On
Friday January 3rd 2014, I had a near death experience. It had snowed
the previous day and I had gone to return some tools I had borrowed from
a friend in Brooklyn. As is my habit when the descent is not too high, I
decided to take the stairs down on my way out. As I walked confidently
towards the stair case, I don't remember what I was thinking but I'm
certain it was about some important thing
in the future that had nothing to do with what was just about to
happen. I wore boots, timberlands, if that means anything but even that
was not to prevent the inevitable. As I took my first step to descend, I
slipped fell backwards and started reeling unrestrained down the flight
if stairs.
Fear gripped and chilled my spine as I fell. My
first thought was "This is it, this is how I die". I don't have any
children so I was not thinking of my kids as most people who are about
to die typically do, but I was sure I was meeting my end. It was the
most terrifying experience and it seemed endless as I continued to fall.
A million thoughts chased each other in my head, "I shall surely die
here; even if I survive I will be paralyzed for life; I won't be able to
see or examine patients again; oh but I just graduated and started
enjoying my work; why me oh lord; I need my limbs." Believe me when I
say that if there was any possible morbid thought on earth, I thought it
as I fell. I hit my head a few times on the stairs which seemed to
break the fall a bit and with each bump of my head all I could get out
of my mouth was JESUS! JESUS!! JESUS!!!
When I finally came to
a stop at the landing of the flight of stairs, intense pain shot
through my whole body that I did not even know where to focus. My first
question to self was, "Are you alive?" When I realized that I was, my
next thought "was don't move until someone comes so that they can call
an ambulance." I lay motionless for about a minute or so and not a soul
came up or down the stairs. I decided to move but very carefully. I
wiggled my toes and fingers and was thankful to notice they were movable
then I decided to roll over to my right side as that felt the less
painful of the two. As I rolled over I heard "pop" and almost collapsed
under what was arguably the most excruciating pain I had ever felt in my
entire life time. Apparently, during my fall my left shoulder had
popped out of joint and as I rolled over it popped back into joint and
that was pain unimaginable. I lay on my right side for a couple of
minutes and still no one came up or down the stairs then I decided if I
don't do something I'm going to silently die here alone.
I
struggled but managed to sit up using my right hand as support. I could
feel pain on the left side of my tail bone so I supported myself leaning
more towards my right side. I scooted backwards against the side wall
to provide some support for my spine and sat quietly to ponder my next
move. As I sat quietly a million thoughts flew through my head but one
was paramount. The question was, if you had died today would those you
have not forgiven be a able to live with themselves knowing you never
forgave them for their actions? An even more serious question was, since
this could have happen to them too, if the roles were reversed would
you be able to live with yourself knowing you remain angry with them. In
that moment all the people, family and friends, I held grudges against
all came to mind. Their faces vivid, their crimes refreshed and alive in
my head yet in the moment of facing possible death, their misdeeds
paled and the simplicity of life as it should be, became that much
clearer. The answer was obvious, the reasoning easy, I couldn't
possibly live with the guilt and would not want anyone to ever live with
that burden.
I'm often amazed at the methods God chooses to
get my attention on certain issues especially when I feel like I know
the answer already. I knew that forgiveness was the thing to do but
facing death made it easier to do. I have since made attempts at
restoring relationships even those for which I am certain I am owed an
apology, because at the end of the day in death those grudges serve no
purpose and life should be lived joyfully. Paul teaches in Romans 12:18
that as much as depends on us we should live at peace with All men.
Frederick Buechner:
Of the Seven Deadly Sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your
wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your
tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to
the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you
are giving back–in many ways it is a feast fit for a king.
The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself.
The skeleton at the feast is you.
―Frederick Buechner, Wishful Thinking: A Theological ABC (New York: Harper & Row, 1973), 2.
I encourage and challenge someone to take a leaf from this chapter of
my life experience and take a step towards letting go of some of these
heavy stuff we carry around and make life easier for yourself. When I
let go I feel lighter, happier and good, really good. When we finally
come to a realization of life as good, we learn that we are created to
live and not meant to just merely exist.
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