When it is time to go :The Fear of Death and Dying

Death has been a subject that has surfaced and resurfaced a few times lately in many forms for me. For some reason, I feel called to somehow make peace with this very difficult subject. I feel challenged to somehow approach and handle it in a way that at worst accepts it for the role it plays and at best sees the “good” in it. You are probably wondering, “of all the topics, why begin from the end?” my answer is, I don’t know, maybe it’s because this is big for me and it has been coming up often for me lately. Then again my question to the one asking why is, why not, why can’t we begin with the end?

A few weeks ago when I quizzed a close friend of mine after church service on how he feels about death, he described it as a part of the human life cycle and that everyone must die. Even though that thought is very intelligent and realistic his tone while relaying it was somber and sad. So if death is a necessary part of the cycle like birth why can’t we be ok with it and why wasn’t he happy saying it was.

I witnessed a death about a month ago that left me questioning my own convictions about the subject. I think the experience has also been instrumental in sustaining the subject of death in my head even longer. I was driving to work at around 9 am. It was a beautiful morning and the sun was up making its ever-powerful statement. As I drove by an apartment complex I usually pass enroute, I saw police tapes and a few officers and news cameras. I only caught a glimpse but a glimpse was perhaps all I needed. There spread helplessly on the sidewalk was a young man who appeared to have been shot and killed not too long ago. They had covered his head and face with a white sheet but I caught a glimpse of the blood and his quiet feet, which told many tales of struggle. I don’t remember what song was playing in my car or exactly what I was doing before witnessing this but I probably never will because in the moment I felt lost. All I could hear myself saying was “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus…” and beating my chest continuously. Nothing could have quieted the sun’s loud rays better than what I had just seen.

Then the questions began. They descended upon me like a cloud and enveloped me. Did this man wake up that morning knowing his death was imminent, do we really know when we will go, did he suffer, what does death feel like…One after another question chased question with no real answers. Then, I realized that what I had once convinced myself to be ok with many years ago wasn’t sufficient to comfort me in the moment. My prayer of commitment to God to take care of me even if that day was my last was somehow not doing the trick. After that experience, it became clear to me that there is more to be understood about death as an event and as a subject; truths that I cannot embrace without an active engagement of the topic.

I will take the opportunity here to state that this particular entry is not a lecture, and not a self-help antidote to a problem. This is simply my coming to terms with my fear of death, which just so happens to frighten you and most other people as well.

Now to try to tackle this, I will ask a question, what is so great about life anyway? What is so great about living that dying is not a better alternative. What makes a person whose daily life is filled with hardships; sickness and pain and who is laying on a hospital bed dying cling onto this thing we call life with every ounce of his being? I mean it’s not like by holding on his life is going to suck any less, yet he hangs on anyway, Why? The only answer I can give to this is that life has an inexplicable intrinsic value; that it is precious and what makes it even more so is the mysteries no human fully comprehends.

There is something sweet about living so much that even when conditions and circumstances of life are seemingly unbearable, being alive somehow suffices to keep a glimmer of hope burning. This sweetness comes with a course that we must all embark on that requires abrogation. A journey to a point B that is hard to envision as part of this sweetness called life. An end perceived to be so bitter yet necessary and the question is how to get from living (point A) to embracing death for the role it plays in life (point B)?


Like most people, I am stuck in point A because of a few reasons. I am stuck because I want life to go on forever because life is sweet and the threat of an end leads to endless loops of devastation. Yet, there is a part of me that yearns for a way to grapple with this truth, this inevitable end, so as to make peace with this enemy that in actuality may not be an enemy at all. I will share a few thoughts with you on why I think I am stuck in point A and allow you to sit with the thoughts to see if they resonate with you at all

1. Not Enough Conversation/ Denial of its existence

The number one reason why I feel I am stuck in a place where I can’t break through in my ability to embrace death is because I don’t talk about it enough. We all don’t talk about it enough so each time someone passes it becomes a surprise and a shock, is treated as such and is put away till the next person falls and the routine is repeated. Most of us, unless faced with terminal illness or some type of terminal condition don’t think of death at all. We can make plans and incur debts and mortgages covering five, ten even twenty years but can’t bring our minds to think about what happens in the next 100 years?

I remember a conversation with a good buddy in college during my freshman year. Somehow his dad came up in conversation while we spoke up and it became very clear how dependent he is/was on his Physician father. He spoke of trips, cars he's bought and golf experiences he had enjoyed with his father, relishing every detail of it.It was almost as if his father is/was God just because he could afford to satisfy whatever physiological needs he had. Then I said to him, “you do realize your dad is not going to be around forever right?” I know many people reading this may be judging me for asking that question and probably think I was rude or insensitive for asking that. Perhaps maturity could have made me phrase it a little more politically correctly but in the moment that is the question I asked and his response was incredibly memorable.

His eyes widened and he looked up. Suddenly the expression on his face had grown more intense and he looked both angry and scared. Like his security had suddenly been taken away, like I had pulled the ground from right underneath him and he was suspending with no foundation ready to fall into the depths of a bottomless pit. Looking into the distance he said, “Don’t say that…my Dad is going to be there”. He said the last part reflectively as if he was trying to convince himself to accept that as truth. Thinking about it now, it must have taken a lot of faith for him to make that proclamation, more faith than he was conscious of. I take my hat off to him because I don’t think my faith affords me the luxury to believe my earthly dad or anyone for that matter will be around forever. Not engaging death enough gives it a more mysterious power, being realistic that its there and everyone will experience it is tough but may be helpful. We cannot consciously or unconsciously deny that death exists, denying it won’t make it go away and will only make its sting more painful with the added dose of surprise.

2. Dislike for Finality

The idea of Death being final is something I personally struggle with. I don’t like saying goodbye. As a creature of habit, I find it hard adjusting to a change in routine much less changes in the number of people, smiles and personalities I am close to. Although my faith posits hope for a future resurrection, death is still a goodbye on earth that I would rather not have. I am perhaps not the only one who shares a hold in this struggle but I would say, that having a hope that there is an ultimate reason is better than nothing. This hope doesn’t make the change easier to accept but may make handling it manageable. Death carrying a stamp of finality bothers me but it’s a thorn in my flesh that if I am going to break through I need to deal with.

3. Selfishness/ Self serving Tendencies

One Doctor writes that at the point of death, the person dying is not in pain at all but the people who are devastated are the family members. I thought about it and realized something interesting that I would like to share. In death just like birth the people who matter are not really the ones who get the care it’s those who don’t really matter that cry foul. Most people cry because the loss of the person leaves a vacuum but often underneath the tears lays all sorts of self-serving tendencies.

So that some people are not mourning because they will miss the departed sorely but rather that they will miss out on so much because of the death of the departed. The trips they can no longer go on, the money they can no longer get to spend, the sex they can no longer enjoy or even the most innocent thing as the smile they can no longer have to brighten their day. I am not saying that desiring these things is wrong but I am realizing that when the self is placed in the center it makes it hard to rejoice that the we were able to enjoy all those things during the lifetime of the departed and be thankful for them. Recognizing my selfishness in handling death and dealing with it will go a long way to aid with handling death both as a painful loss honestly but also an opportunity to appreciate good times.

4. Manner of Death

I always wonder about the manner in which the final moment comes. Will it be in an aeroplane high up in the sky so that I am fully aware of what is imminent, Will it be a surprise bullet, will it be a sickness that ravages my body and forces it to succumb to its whim, will it be something that I can’t even fathom, will I be in pain, will it hurt at all, will I have forgiveness in my heart should my death be caused by someone or will I be just full of vengeful hate. These are things I wonder about and are things that make it difficult to accept death as a necessary evil.

Today after work, I went to the Bodega on the corner of my street to access the ATM there so I could get some Chinese food for dinner. When I walked in I saw what appeared to be a small stack of printed papers. A cursory read of it showed that it was information on a funeral. The picture was of a familiar face with a bottle of beer on a table in front of him. I thought I recognized the person as the man who I always saw when I walked into the Bodega. He was always sitting at the entrance when I would walk in. I was never sure what he was there for but he was always there. So I inquired if it was he in the picture and it was confirmed that it was and that he passed less than a week ago. I wanted to ask what the cause of death was but the attendant was helping a customer out and asking him would have seemed rude and distracting. I proceeded to the Chinese food store across the street and lo and behold the picture of the man was displayed there too. As I ordered I garnered myself to ask what caused his death and was told that his liver went bad from as the Chinese lady put it “too much wine”. Probably Cirrhosis.

I thought immediately about how dishonorable people may view such a cause of death. Oh man, Oh man, even in death we are judged and condemned. It’s so interesting how some deaths are considered honorable while others are judged and looked at with a cocked eye as if the end, honorable or not, is not the same. Even in death there is competition and we sit in judgment of each other. I will not go so far as saying it doesn’t matter how death comes but I daresay there is a need for us to be gracious towards each other. And a need to dig deeper and find our humanity so that we can be ok with uncertainties like the manner in which we will go; so much so, that regardless of how we go we can be loved and celebrated as purely human. There is so much stress life brings that worrying about what is going to be said after you are gone as a result of how you went should be removed from the lot.

In conclusion I will offer that I am no authority on the discussion of death. You have seen me rant and rant about the issue through out this entry.I struggle with it. It is a long entry (this won’t be characteristic of my blog) but for this topic it was necessary for me to write a lot. Let’s talk about it because it is not enough to just say it is part of the cycle and leave it there when we are ravaged by its imminence and the fear that it carries with it. If we talk about it then perhaps we can each find a way to be ok with Death. My comfort is a belief in a God who created death too so death no matter how painful can be bearable


NOTE: Thanks to all who have invested time to read. I will appreciate all comments and suggestions about this entry and other entries as well as the blog in general. Since it is taking flight don’t hesitate to send me a line, emails etc or two about things you may want me to blog about what fears, conversations and thoughts that you have and think Kareem may share in. Stay tuned for more. Bless!