Walk with Me

Today was a beautiful day. The weather was beautiful. I now know what I miss during the summer when I sleep during the day. I always find myself sleeping on hot or warm days. I just don't find it worthwhile being outside in the sun so instead I sleep. As refreshing as that is, today I got to see another side of things where being in the sun can actually be nice fun and cool. Watching lovers hold hands, people reading and trying to read myself while chatting with friends isn't necessarily fuel for deep thinking but you never know when something golden will impart into your soul.

In the last few years I have felt like I was getting more and more forgetful. My brain didn't engage actively like it used to. Sometimes what I say doesn't quite sound intelligent and I struggle to articulate what I really want to say. This was not how I remember myself. I was not the best orator but I didn't struggle too much to voice my opinion clearly. And I was always calm and not easily anxious. I was very disciplined and could set goals that I could achieve fairly well So then what happened why did that change?

Honestly, I don't know exactly. I wish I knew where and when it sort of took a downward turn but today my friend Chris said something that led me to think he may be on to something. He is reading a collection of essays by this writer who committed suicide and he chose to share some of them with me and listening to the writers musings made me realize how far away I was from who I am. I use who I am loosely because who we are often is not a static and so I use the expression to represent more of a mentality or state of mind one usually assumes. The parts Chris shared with me showed the writer to have a bleak yet realistic and honest outlook on life. Some of the words immediately resonated with me and I found myself saying, "that's how I used to think" and perhaps that's how I'm supposed to think in order to be who I am.

I'm thinking back now and remembering what it meant for me to be on a spiritual journey. It meant not fearing to ask always wondering actively musing, being cynical at times, questioning a lot doubting sometimes all necessary to keep one's soul alive. So this is where I realize something that is different and it is that I stopped actively engaging my mind in such realistic and active dialogue. I began to start feeling I had arrived I became conceited. Unfortunately, The nature of conceitedness and head swelling is that it often comes unnoticed or under the guise of "you know and it's ok to know". Instead of being the student, I started becoming the teacher without even recognizing that even teachers need to receive. My spiritual walk was my priced precious space that I didn't take for granted. I remember days and nights that I would struggle with a particular idea, or thought and would talk to God endlessly about it and wouldn't stop till we had come to some conclusion on it.

I got too comfortable, I thought I knew and I was ok to just believe when belief is only substantiated and sealed with a relationship. Sometimes we can get comfortable with our convictions and turn them into ends. When convictions gain end status they become our gods and we forfeit the potential for a dynamic relationship for a mere conviction. won't it be better to have a flowing river of fresh water rather than a stagnant pool of recycled water? won't it be better to have a new story to illustrate a point every time rather than the same old story all the time? I am deciding to engage my spirit, body soul and mind what about you?