50 Shards of Broken Glass

As I walked to my car this morning this is what I saw. As is any driver's nightmare, my heart skipped a beat as I inched ever so slowly towards my vehicle unsure what I would find. For those who are not familiar, the shards of glass on the ground is evidence of a burglar breaking the window of a vehicle and taking something valuable. This has happened to me once before, a few years ago and what the thief stole (an iPod of immense sentimental value given to me by a group of brothers on my 25th birthday) was no where near as horrible as the inconvenience and expense of replacing the  glass windows of my car. Needless to say my stomach was in knots as I walked. I was in a good mood walking out of the house. I had just found out that I had somehow managed to make this months budget despite all the financial curve balls I had been thrown so walking along the street and seeing broken glass purported to screw up my great mood. When I got to my car I honestly was looking for the broken window, the shards, the loss but to my utmost surprise, there was no such thing, the car was intact with no scratch at all. I checked again, walked the whole perimeter of the car and there was no sign of an attempted break in. In disbelief, I checked a second time before taking the pictures posted.

To better understand my surprise, you will need to know how immensely close I was to the cars burgled. It appears as though two cars had been broken into and I was the third car in line next to the cars involved. Luck, you might say, coincidence, perhaps but for me there is a God and through such things he speaks to me.

Yesterday I was having one of those tough days. It was one of those days that I woke up got dresses, sat on the bed and picked up a photo of my mother held it and began to cry and talk to her and to God in prayer. It was more like complaining about why she had to die so young. I was complaining to God so much about how all I have tried to do in life was to try to serve him and how he had deprived me of one thing that would have given me so much joy; taking care of my mother and grandmother. I cried that I didn't say that I loved them enough, that I didn't get to say a proper goodbye and my heart was heavy.

As usual it was all silence until I had to wipe away my tears, pick myself up and head to work.  As I drove to work I already felt extremely exhausted. It was if I had been doing manual labor all morning or that perhaps I had been carrying several 50kg bags of cement and loading them unto a big cargo truck. Realizing my exhaustion and knowing the number of patients I was scheduled to see for the day I prayed a prayer for strength. The sun was out and the day was beautiful, usually that is enough to cheer me up, but not this day.  After the prayer I started thinking of things that could help cheer me up and put some bounce in my mood before my work day began. I remembered the previous day I had stumbled serendipitously on a Ghanaian worship medley on YouTube.  The second song in the series had gripped me and the words reminded me of a prayer I erstwhile prayed but don't pray anymore because I have been so saddled with the many cares of life and its speed. The words of the song and the prayer so simple, "redeemer, I commit myself to thee, hold me, watch over my going out and my coming in for I'm losing my way." I opened the song on my phone connected it to the sound system in my car and began to listen to it.

I played the song several times over and I started to feel a lot better as I began to feel like I was surrendering. The song continued to reverberate in my heart throughout the day and I found myself  humming it at different points of the day. I texted my little sister about how I was feeling and my youngest aunt about the same and they both did what they could to be encouraging and supportive but deep down the person I really wanted to hear from was my creator and it felt like he was being silent about the whole thing. When the work day ended, rather later than I had wanted it to, I found myself again in my car listening to the song enroute home. Then I heard a voice, a clear voice, "My son, there is no need for you to be troubled your grandmother and mother's lives were a gift to you for a time, just like your life is also a gift to someone else for a time, I am well aware of the intimate, deep details of your life and although you may never fully understand I will cradle you in the palms of my hand."

Hearing this brought a calming peace over my heart I could no longer complain at least not in the moment. Does this mean that I will never have one of those days, NO! and rightly so because the kind voice intimated that I may never understand. However, what is sure is that I will be cradled and the details of the events of this morning only confirmed this truth that indeed I am not alone and that the fine details of my life matter to the divine. Does that mean that the details of the other two car owners do not matter, not at all, but in this case God is choosing to speak to me in this point in my life this particular way. Our lives are gifts both to ourselves and to others selected by the maker to enjoy such gifts.

Some people may not understand why I share such thoughts, pictures and musings. They may think that perhaps I have nothing better to do than to post things about my seemingly fabulous life but my reasons are far from it.  I share not to gloat but in hopes that by sharing someone may be elevated. I am convinced that my gifts are not completely mine but they are to be used for the common good.

A Horrible Fall...Death scare

On Friday January 3rd 2014, I had a near death experience. It had snowed the previous day and I had gone to return some tools I had borrowed from a friend in Brooklyn. As is my habit when the descent is not too high, I decided to take the stairs down on my way out. As I walked confidently towards the stair case, I don't remember what I was thinking but I'm certain it was about some important thing in the future that had nothing to do with what was just about to happen. I wore boots, timberlands, if that means anything but even that was not to prevent the inevitable. As I took my first step to descend, I slipped fell backwards and started reeling unrestrained down the flight if stairs.

Fear gripped and chilled my spine as I fell. My first thought was "This is it, this is how I die". I don't have any children so I was not thinking of my kids as most people who are about to die typically do, but I was sure I was meeting my end. It was the most terrifying experience and it seemed endless as I continued to fall. A million thoughts chased each other in my head, "I shall surely die here; even if I survive I will be paralyzed for life; I won't be able to see or examine patients again; oh but I just graduated and started enjoying my work; why me oh lord; I need my limbs." Believe me when I say that if there was any possible morbid thought on earth, I thought it as I fell. I hit my head a few times on the stairs which seemed to break the fall a bit and with each bump of my head all I could get out of my mouth was JESUS! JESUS!! JESUS!!!

When I finally came to a stop at the landing of the flight of stairs, intense pain shot through my whole body that I did not even know where to focus. My first question to self was, "Are you alive?" When I realized that I was, my next thought "was don't move until someone comes so that they can call an ambulance." I lay motionless for about a minute or so and not a soul came up or down the stairs. I decided to move but very carefully. I wiggled my toes and fingers and was thankful to notice they were movable then I decided to roll over to my right side as that felt the less painful of the two. As I rolled over I heard "pop" and almost collapsed under what was arguably the most excruciating pain I had ever felt in my entire life time. Apparently, during my fall my left shoulder had popped out of joint and as I rolled over it popped back into joint and that was pain unimaginable. I lay on my right side for a couple of minutes and still no one came up or down the stairs then I decided if I don't do something I'm going to silently die here alone.

I struggled but managed to sit up using my right hand as support. I could feel pain on the left side of my tail bone so I supported myself leaning more towards my right side. I scooted backwards against the side wall to provide some support for my spine and sat quietly to ponder my next move. As I sat quietly a million thoughts flew through my head but one was paramount. The question was, if you had died today would those you have not forgiven be a able to live with themselves knowing you never forgave them for their actions? An even more serious question was, since this could have happen to them too, if the roles were reversed would you be able to live with yourself knowing you remain angry with them. In that moment all the people, family and friends, I held grudges against all came to mind. Their faces vivid, their crimes refreshed and alive in my head yet in the moment of facing possible death, their misdeeds paled and the simplicity of life as it should be, became that much clearer. The answer was obvious, the reasoning easy, I couldn't possibly live with the guilt and would not want anyone to ever live with that burden.

I'm often amazed at the methods God chooses to get my attention on certain issues especially when I feel like I know the answer already. I knew that forgiveness was the thing to do but facing death made it easier to do. I have since made attempts at restoring relationships even those for which I am certain I am owed an apology, because at the end of the day in death those grudges serve no purpose and life should be lived joyfully. Paul teaches in Romans 12:18 that as much as depends on us we should live at peace with All men.

Frederick Buechner:

Of the Seven Deadly Sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back–in many ways it is a feast fit for a king.

The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself.

The skeleton at the feast is you.

―Frederick Buechner, Wishful Thinking: A Theological ABC (New York: Harper & Row, 1973), 2.

I encourage and challenge someone to take a leaf from this chapter of my life experience and take a step towards letting go of some of these heavy stuff we carry around and make life easier for yourself. When I let go I feel lighter, happier and good, really good. When we finally come to a realization of life as good, we learn that we are created to live and not meant to just merely exist.